This week is bittersweet for me. My oldest child will be an 8th grader, the final bridge before crossing that river into near adulthood and high school. My youngest child is entering the 6th grade. . .also crossing a bridge in young adulthood with her entrance to middle school. And they get to spend a year together before being separate. . .perfect.
Except, this week isn't perfect. Wednesday, the day the children start school, was to be the due date for our son. Aug 24, 2011 was supposed to be a day of celebrating, rejoicing, and adding to our family. Instead, I'll take the children to school, go on a job interview, and try desperately to find a way to get through the day.
Today however, I choose joy.
I choose to rejoice in what I know. . .that my son is present with his maker, with the One whose arms held him the very moment that my body no longer could. I rejoice that though we never saw his little face, we loved him. I rejoice that we gave him life, and that for 14 weeks he was our little guy.
Benjamin Daniel Stevenson never took a breath, but the wonder of his short life continues to take my breath away. The pain in his death leaves me with little except the knowledge that my Papa loves me enough to bring healing into my wounded heart, and is teaching me how to minister that same healing to others.
Benjamin - for our sorrow. Rachel named her son Benjamin as she lay dying after his birth, "Son of my pain." Jacob later renamed the boy, "Son of my strength."
Daniel - meaning, "God is my judge." The name Daniel is especially meaningful to me b/c my dear friend Danny Steyne knew I would be pregnant long before I did. he knew I was pregnant before I told him, b/c he has come to understand that what God says, God does. Daniel was the easiest choice for a name. . .but after we lost our son, the meaning became so incredibly painful. UNTIL. . .God spoke to me about judgment.
We have not been judged for the death of our little boy. God did not "take" him away from us. God loves us, and He has grieved alongside of us. He has made Benjamin's name meaningful, and taught us more about Himself as a person than any bible study ever could have. God will judge the one who is responsible for death. . .and He will do so with vengence. The son of my sorrow will be avenged by the God who loves his mother and father.
On August 24th, I'll walk through my day with the tiniest charm tucked away in my pocket. It's not a reminder of what I can't have, but rather a reminder of what God has given to me in the midst of pain and grief.
HOPE
